Sunday, October 26, 2014

Stolen Monday

Mondays loom heavy on Sunday nights and invite a panoply of wide ranged feelings.  Dread mixed with duty; resignation blended with responsibility;  rebellion matched by determination.  For some, there may be enthusiasm. Hooray for them! I have known that in the past, and I have known the opposite.  Either way, its fine fodder for writing.

This was written in 2010.
A stolen Monday by dint of the white lie
Up all night I say sounding wan and done in
I won’t be in today
And now, the only thing I miss
about the office is the warmth
as I sit in several layers blowing on my hands
Fasting today, having cleansing on my mind,
soothing my spirit, gathering my old self
Wherever it has scurried away to.
Create, smile, sip tea
ignore the scent of morning toast,
the imagined sound of crunching, tooth to jaw
Tomorrow is another day
there will be toast then
Today is myself manufactured
anything today
Apply for jobs,
Write, draw
Organize, communicate with friends
take a long walk
feel the day
Mondays can be so nice

 

Mae

Neighbor Essay #2  Mae

We moved to a smaller apartment. My sister Marge was about to be married within the year and we could get a smaller apartment.  It was a different neighborhood, different schools, different nuns, with different habits.  Our uniforms changed from green to navy blue, but still they were jumpers with pleated skirts, and the same slightly yellowed white nylon blouses worn under it. The beanie and the saddle shoes completed the outfit. Again, we had a landlady downstairs, and constant reminders from our mother about “lift your feet” and “hush your big mouth.”  We were well used to it. 

The apartment was narrow and dark, but Mother was friendly with Mae, the landlady, and so it was deemed okay.  Mae worked as a postal clerk, in the drugstore on the avenue, just around the corner  and down a couple of blocks. When you entered the drugstore, you walked to the back of the store, and there in the left corner of the store was a carved out spot that looked like a teller’s window at the bank.  All day “Mae” sat behind that window with the bars, on her high stool, and sold stamps and handled parcel post deliveries.  Whenever my mother sent me for stamps, Mae (or Mrs. Campbell as I called her) would say cheerily “Hello Dear, what can I do for you?” 

Sometimes I worried that she had overheard my sister and I yelling or fighting or that she may have heard me crying in the bathroom after my mother scolded me for yet another infraction.  Mrs. Campbell had tightly curled hair of a sandy color and a lot of large spread out freckly areas on her face.  She had a fierce double chin that wobbled over the top of her blouses and sweaters that she wore over her shoulders and held on with a chain like thing across her chest. Her pink, shiny cheeks didn’t have freckles, and her gold rimmed glasses held onto the end of her nose.

She wore brown or green most of the time.  But the most curious thing about her was her hands, or more particularly, the palms of her hands.  They were very pink and soft looking and reminded me of roast beef, the rare kind that we only ate around the holidays and special occasions.  I watched them closely when she counted out my change and handed me the stamps.

A couple of years after we moved in, Mae decided to raise the rent, and broke the news to my mother as they played cards and drank beer downstairs in her kitchen one Friday night, which they did often. “You understand Margie, cost of living and all that.”  Later that night when Mother came back upstairs, we heard the news from our bedroom, right off the kitchen, where my father sat smoking and working on his crossword, a can of beer at his side.
 
“And she just kept eating her pretzels” Mother yelled to Dad in that loud whisper she used when she didn’t want us to hear. “That’s it, we’re moving” she announced. It didn’t matter much to me, but my sister and I both wished she had found something a little farther away. 

We moved next door. 
 
Boys from school teased me unmercifully about the move “Think you’ll be able to find your way home after you move?” followed by their doubling over with exaggerated, hysterical laughter. We moved from a second floor apartment, to the first floor apartment next door.  I liked that idea, it meant the landlady would have to lift her feet and my mother wouldn’t always be yelling about that. “Ha”, my sister said smugly “she’s the landlady, she can walk around with heavy boots on if she wants to.”
The houses were built no more than one foot from each other.  All day, as my father and brothers-in-law and older sisters went up and down the stairs, in and out of the gates, I roller skated and stayed out of the way.  That night, my sister and I dressed in our pajamas which had been left in our empty rooms, brushed our teeth, walked next door, and went to bed in our new apartment.  After several months of passing each other on the sidewalk without so much as a nod, Mother and Mae made up and returned to the occasional Friday night card games and cans of Schlitz, though Mother always said Rheingold was better.

 

One Year of Blogamy


Today I celebrate one year of Blogamy……….last year when I started this blog, I committed to posting each month, and at least 3-4 times a month.  I believe I have kept to that.  And I like the challenge and I like the discipline, and it forces me to polish things up a bit more and to drag out of my head the swirling and at times, muddled, thoughts and get them down on paper. 

Thank you to all who follow FernJive 65 (or check on it from time to time.) I am grateful to you all.

Tonight I post Neighbor # 2 from the Neighbors Essays series and also a couple of random entries.

Here’s my website: http://fernsuessartetc.wordpress.com/  if you want to check out some art, photography or poetry.  All these endeavors will be combined at some point in the coming year. 

 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

People watching in Uptown Kingston on a sunny lunchtime afternoon.


In Kingston, one can still spot a gentleman of a certain age with a jacket and a tie, even a bright patterned ascot peeping out from the pocket of his sharp, crisp navy blue suit.
A tall young woman, stretched even taller in her long slinky black dress and slightly muddied sagging boots, sports her hair cropped short, revealing a dark snakelike tattoo emerging from her hairline behind her ear and disappearing into her dress; she desultorily texts as she wends her way down the block.

The sound of September flip-flops is heard alongside the soft tread of moccasins, underlying the natty snap, tap of shiny, black loafers.
A hastily scrawled sign in the Indian restaurant says thank you for your business; we have gone to New Paltz.  It seems determinedly mysterious and vague.  The “Girls” restaurant is closed for repairs.  A newly opened Mexican restaurant serves up tepid water and long waits for recognition.  One cannot seem to get served there.  The old favorite cafĂ© sends out waves of meat grilling  aromas and toasted paninis to the sidewalk where yellow jackets will vie for your lunch if you are lucky enough to grab a place at the one sidewalk table.

There are painted peacocks everywhere.  They stand three feet tall and proud, rooted in special tubs along the sidewalks, in front of the shops.  There are blues and greens, of course, but also golds and swirls and buildings of brick and skies and clouds and words, all portrayed on the peacocks’ wide fantails, with the imagination of several local artists.  Soon they will be headed to auction; their bids donated to a new playground at the nature center park. 
Familiar faces offer a glimmer of recognition, though they may not know each other’s names. Tourist faces crane their necks to read the dates on top of the 19th century buildings, pleased by the pastel colors and frescoes.  Church bells peal; the streets are crammed with local buses, repair trucks, cruising police cars looking out for drug deals.   A well-known politicians passes and smile, with a freshly manufactured nod of recognition. 

She offers up an arugula leaf to the yellow jackets and soaks up the sun a little longer. 

 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

She Had Been Here Before


She had been here before,
in this grey washed, shadowy limbo
where her skin didn’t quite fit,                                                                                      
promising rewards to herself just for showing up at work
Giving herself busy work to avoid interacting with anyone
Stretching the morning-robust coffee with bitter refills until lunch time.
Going on chocolate breaks to bend the afternoon toward five o clock;

She had cried before on the way to work
interrupting the flow in order to see the stop signs
stretching her mouth into a smile to test the adage
one cannot cry if one is smiling
hoping  that a passing car will not look her way
to see the strange mask she wears

She had reprimanded herself plenty then, as now
Wake-up words: lucky to have a job in this economy;
it’s not that bad; you have your health (well, kinda);
your kids are doing well (pretty much)

She had retreated this way before,
Friday nights into Monday mornings, hibernation-mode; house cocoon
pajamas, no bra, no make-up,
Lurching from coffee, laundry, vacuuming, books, art, into
snacking, folding, reading, wine, dinner, clean-up, Scrabble online, Free Cell, Netflix

She had stayed up nights this way before,
ignoring the clock , the yawns, the absence of posts on facebook
as everyone else sensibly pressed their ears,
the burning eyes as she struggled to empathize with the Walker family on Brothers and Sisters;
she had postponed sleep this way before, because it led to the waking up part
which led to the job part.

She had gotten out of this before
escaped the vise like grip of the downhill nutcracker
Without losing too much dignity or gaining too much weight,
or alienating too many friends who just wanted her to smile at them
and laugh with them and tell them she was fine.

She had been here before
when she couldn’t offer him a smile to ease the grey that was often
darker than hers
when she couldn’t offer the platitudes, the smidgen of hope, the pep-talk
the spiritual bent, the clown-like jocularity
she had been here before when she needed him
to offer those stepping stones, those life preservers of optimism to her
but he could not

She had been here before and she didn’t want to re-visit.
Like the soured memory of a bad vacation, she longed…to break away
Not reenter the dwindling self-confidence
The pungent flavor of unease
the hollowness, the absence of life’s joy
She had been here before
and she needed to retreat.

Monday, October 6, 2014

3 Autumnal Haikus


               

 
monday rain falling
orange leaves flutter sadly
autumn worrying
 
four o’clock grey time
rustling footsteps approaching
golden glow surrounds
 
 
pond commotion stills
katydids, tadpoles soundless
tranquility sad
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 



Thursday, September 25, 2014

Autumn


What’s All the S--- about Glorious Freakin’ Autumn?


Why all the waxing beatific over colored leaves?
And pulling out gnarly sweaters
from ten years ago in hopes they’ll resemble
the current fluffy flock of
boiled wool smelly pullovers?

All the petunias shriveling,
teetering pathetically on
scrawny browned stems
like old men on tanned limbs,
embarrassed alongside
predictable mums wearing couture colored faces

Everyone sauntering with
thick socks showing
bragging about cool nights and good sleeping
or the smell of wood stove’s hickory stink
(as though ham were in vogue)

Summer’s vegetables sprawl exhausted
like swollen nine month women
everyone giving or receiving or cooking
or baking or refusing or throwing away…zucchini.
exchanging recipes and ‘putting up'.

Paranoid squirrels careen
from tree to shaking tree
miserly gathering acorns
pitching excess on our heads
Everyone is looking brown and orange              

And the mandatory talk about
winter’s coming
and snow and ice
old accidents
new trepidations
Winters that were,
childhoods that weren’t
mitten clips, chapped lips
cold feet looking for warm feet
pumpkin pies, garlic jam
raking leaves, runny noses

What's all the shit about glorious freaking autumn?