She Had Been Here Before

She had been here before,

in this grey washed, shadowy limbo
where her skin didn’t quite fit,                                                                                      
promising rewards to herself just for showing up at work
Giving herself busy work to avoid interacting with anyone
Stretching the morning-robust coffee with bitter refills until lunch time.
Going on chocolate breaks to bend the afternoon toward five o clock;

She had cried before on the way to work

interrupting the flow in order to see the stop signs
stretching her mouth into a smile to test the adage
one cannot cry if one is smiling
hoping  that a passing car will not look her way
to see the strange mask she wears

She had reprimanded herself plenty then, as now

Wake-up words: lucky to have a job in this economy;
it’s not that bad; you have your health (well, kinda);
your kids are doing well (pretty much)

She had retreated this way before,

Friday nights into Monday mornings, hibernation-mode; house cocoon
pajamas, no bra, no make-up,
Lurching from coffee, laundry, vacuuming, books, art, into
snacking, folding, reading, wine, dinner, clean-up, Scrabble online, Free Cell, Netflix

She had stayed up nights this way before,
ignoring the clock , the yawns, the absence of posts on facebook
as everyone else sensibly pressed their ears,
the burning eyes as she struggled to empathize with the Walker family on Brothers and Sisters;
she had postponed sleep this way before, because it led to the waking up part
which led to the job part.

She had gotten out of this before

escaped the vise like grip of the downhill nutcracker
Without losing too much dignity or gaining too much weight,
or alienating too many friends who just wanted her to smile at them
and laugh with them and tell them she was fine.

She had been here before
when she couldn’t offer him a smile to ease the grey that was often
darker than hers
when she couldn’t offer the platitudes, the smidgen of hope, the pep-talk
the spiritual bent, the clown-like jocularity
she had been here before when she needed him
to offer those stepping stones, those life preservers of optimism to her
but he could not

She had been here before and she didn’t want to re-visit.

Like the soured memory of a bad vacation, she longed…to break away
Not reenter the dwindling self-confidence
The pungent flavor of unease
the hollowness, the absence of life’s joy
She had been here before
and she needed to retreat.